is there a word for the way that i'm feeling tonight (happy and sad)
by ekpeaky
Summary: Charity has bruises that Vanessa didn't put there. Post ep 30 April 2018. [Charity/Vanessa]


Vanessa scans the bar of the Woolpack as she pushes through the door. She smiles lightly as she spots Charity pulling a pint for a customer she doesn't recognise. Trademark smirk in place as she lowkey flirts with the punter. Vanessa knows exactly how that poor guy feels; Charity is good at that - making you feel like you're the only person in the universe when she pays you her full attention. As it stands, Vanessa is here on a mission - she hasn't seen Charity since her meltdown two days before at Tug Ghyll. When she'd ranted and raved at Charity about the thought of her sister finding that man - _that monster -_ attractive. Charity had left her that Monday evening with a long hug and a less than innocent snog, and whispered reassurance that she'd do all she could to put Tracey off of Bails, _her way_.

Charity had effectively been radio silence ever since. One or two texts to keep each other updated on their day yesterday, but really, that was mostly Vanessa. Charity hadn't sent any of her normal salacious texts that Vanessa was used to receiving. Since they'd made it official (and apart from the two mornings when they hadn't been talking), if they hadn't woken together of a morning, Charity had been sure to send her a text message letting Vanessa know exactly what she was missing. Vanessa had tried not to worry, but she couldn't help the rising concern that she had once again pushed Charity too far that day - even if they had parted on good terms.

Vanessa was on a mission today; she wanted normal service to resume with her wonderful, _amazing_ girlfriend - and currently, _Mr Briefcase_ was standing in her way.

Vanessa quickly let her fingers ghost over the front of her button down shirt and undid the second and third buttons. She approached the bar, and rested her forearms against it, leaning over slightly - knowing, _hoping,_ that the two extra buttons she had undone would be signal enough for Charity.

"Who's a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?" She drawled, eyebrows raised in Charity's direction. Throwing her a cheeky wink when she looks over, so she knows she's only teasing - mostly.

Charity abruptly walks away from Mr Briefcase and comes to stand in front of Vanessa on the other side of the bar.

"Well, well, well," Charity smiles at Vanessa as she leans over the bar - a quick glance around the pub for the appearance of dignity - and reaches a finger into the gap of Vanessa's shirt, fingernail scraping down her cleavage. As quickly as it happens Charity withdraws and straightens up, hands resting on the beer pumps in front of her.

"I've missed you," Vanessa says quietly over the bar.

"Sorry babe, I haven't meant to give you the runaround. Honestly." Charity tells her, bending her head to catch Vanessa's eye to show her sincerity. "They've needed me here, I had Moses yesterday -"

"It's okay." Vanessa assures her. "I just worried I'd done your head in again the other day. I know I can sound like a broken record…" She trails off, not wanting to seem too clingy, too desperate for Charity to not be cross with her. She likes Charity, _a lot_ , but she's trying not to scare her away. Trying to be gentle with her affection and her attention. Trying to learn from her mistakes.

Charity smiles despite herself; she does get frustrated with Vanessa for constantly twittering on and pressuring her, but deep down she knows it comes from a good place. Even if at times it makes her want to gouge her eyeballs out. Charity has spent the last two days vacillating between wishing she could once and for all push Vanessa away so she can deal with things her own way, and no sooner than she thought the thought, wanting to vomit at the idea of not having Vanessa in her corner. This woman who knows more about her demons than she ever thought any other person would know. This woman who knows the worst parts of her and still looks at her with wonder on her face whenever they are alone.

"So," She says finally - ignoring Vanessa's unspoken apology. Unnecessary as far as Charity is concerned. "Turns out, you have impeccable timing as well as impeccable -" she glances quickly at Vanessa's cleavage, "- _tits_. Chas takes over at six. Why don't you go through? We could take a bottle of wine upstairs." She winks and inwardly delights at Vanessa's blush.

Vanessa claps her hands together in a _job well done_ celebration with herself and makes her way round the other side of the bar. As she passes her, Charity hands her a bottle and two glasses and while checking her out head to toe, tells her to make herself comfortable upstairs.

* * *

It's six thirty by the time Charity actually finishes up, hands over to Chas and makes her way upstairs. When she gets there she finds Vanessa sprawled out on her bed flicking through netflix on the TV.

"I thought we could find a film," Vanessa explains, glancing up as Charity walks though the bedroom door.

"Yeah, fine babe." Charity sighs as she pulls her blouse over her head. "I had other plans, but I suppose we could watch a film first." She jokes as she goes to unhook her bra as well, turning around to face the bed, she reaches over, looking for the t-shirt she had left out to change into.

"What the hell is that?" She looks up at Vanessa's exclamation, confusion written all over her face.

Vanessa is sat bolt upright staring at her bare chest. Her hand, almost reaching for Charity but hovering just out in front of her own body.

"Babe, what you on about?" Charity has no idea what has rattled Vanessa's cage.

"Charity - " Vanessa kneels on the bed and fully reaches her hand out to touch Charity's clavicle below her right shoulder. "What are these bruises?"

It dawns on Charity in slow motion, as Vanessa's hand is reaching towards her. As her fingers ghost over the fingerprints branded on her skin the blood rushes in Charity's ears. As Vanessa utters the question Charity turns away sharply and scrambles for her blouse, for _anything_ to put on and cover her up.

"Nothing! It's nothing." She snaps. Hastily, sloppily trying to cover herself up. She can't believe she forgot about the bruises. Forgot that, _that monster_ , had marked her.

She manages to get herself covered, and turns in time to catch Vanessa's wide eyes before something else clouds in them and Vanessa almost trips over her own feet as she scrambles off the bed. She stands there in front of Charity with one hand covering her mouth like she might be sick.

"Charity, wh - who left a handprint on you?" Vanessa asks and it suddenly dawns on Charity what she is thinking, what it must look like. Her immediate reaction is to lash out at the assumption that Vanessa is making, but as quickly as she thinks it, it is replaced by an anxiety so overwhelming that she has to run to the bathroom and empty her stomach.

When she is finished she splashes her face with cold water and makes her way back to the bedroom. She finds Vanessa sat on the edge of the bed, head bowed, forehead resting on clasped hands.

Charity hovers in the doorway with her arms wrapped around herself. She wants to be angry at Vanessa for assuming the absolute worst thing about her, but she realises that the truth and Charity's reaction to it is so far from anything Vanessa would expect that she really can't blame her. Her first reaction was flight, as usual. She wanted to bury the truth and pretend it never happened and certainly doesn't want to acknowledge how that man had made her feel. Again. But now, stood here, looking at Vanessa who is thinking the worst and who, for whatever reason she cannot seem to bear the idea of disappointing; she is able to muster an ounce of strength to fight instead.

Charity steps forward and kneels in front of Vanessa, she reaches forward and covers Vanessa's hands with her own. "Babe, I swear to you, it's not what you think." She feels Vanessa shudder in a breath and she gently tugs at the hands in front of her face to get her to look in her eyes. "Please look at me."

"Why do you have someone else's hand prints on your body?" Vanessa asks. Straight to the point, trying to avoid eye contact.

Charity inhales a breath. Blows it out. She decides to just spit it out, even though she knows it'll hurt like a punch to the gut admitting that she allowed that man to lay a hand on her, _again_. "I tried to warn Bails off Tracy after I left yours on Monday. He didn't take it well." Bile rises in her throat again, as it always does at the mention of him. She stifles it.

Vanessa finally, slowly raises her eyes to meet Charity's gaze. "Please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying?" Vanessa finally asks. Charity looks away, unable to cope with the look of horror on Vanessa's face.

"He just shoved me. I didn't - I didn't realise it was as hard as it was. I was shocked, and - and _scared_ that he had touched me again after all this time. I - I really didn't realise it had left a mark…" Her eyes are closed as she stumbles out her explanation. As she opens them she sees Vanessa's eyes widen in shock and then when the reality of what she is saying dawns, her expression changes again.

The next thing she registers is Vanessa breaking their hands apart as she launches up from the bed in a burst of pure fury. There is rage burning in her eyes as she launches for the bedroom door, "I'll fucking _kill him_."

Charity believes her and luckily, reflexively reaches for Vanessa's wrist and grabs hold just as she is about to cross the threshold onto the landing. "Ness. Don't." She tugs on her arm.

"Charity, I mean it. _Let me go_." Vanessa growls. "That man - That man, put his hands on you. And I swear to god I will kill him for it." Charity doesn't let go, she tugs on Vanessa's arm again. Vanessa comes to her more easily than she expected this time.

Vanessa curls into Charity's arms and Charity feels her sob into her shoulder and grasp at the front of her blouse. She holds her to her body and lets her have her moment. She breathes out in relief that she managed to convince her to stay. Because more than anything Charity needs Vanessa to stay, even when the alternative is something Charity doesn't think she's ever felt before in her life. She has never had anyone fight so vehemently for her honour before. Or want to.

Eventually, when Vanessa has calmed she pulls her face up to look Charity in the eye. "I am so sorry that I thought you had done something wrong." Charity hears the wobble in her voice as she says this.

"It's okay," she reassures her before there are any more tears. She takes Vanessa's face in her hands and brushes her thumbs under her eyes to wipe away the remnants of her tears and mascara. A move reminiscent to how Vanessa had held her weeks before when all this started. "I shouldn't have hidden the truth, I should have told you when it happened. I didn't think about how it would look."

Vanessa heaves a sigh, wet with emotion. "Charity, I can't stand this. I can't stand the thought of him hurting you. I can't bear this man, I hate him in a way that - that takes over all of my thoughts and my senses and I have barely even met him. How do I reconcile that? This isn't my fight but I cant - H-how do I - " Charity stops her with a kiss. Feels a fresh wave of tears on her cheeks. Whose tears she doesn't know. Doesn't care.

"Just love me. That's all I need from you Ness. _Just love me_." Charity pleads with her resting their foreheads together.

Vanessa draws her arms up and around, pulling Charity into a fierce embrace. They clutch at each other and when she's sure Charity is calmed enough to hear her, Vanessa whispers into her hair, "I do. I will."

 **Fin.**

* * *

I'm in the process of writing a two part-er ahead of next weeks spoilers. But then I watched tonight and I had feelings. Turns out my feelings were more angsty than I realised. Sigh. These guys just don't have it easy. I also took liberties with how hard Bails shoved Charity. All in the name of the story.

Oh and I went there with the L word, with nary even a consideration. It felt right, what can I say.


End file.
